My Basement Breakdown aka through
There wasn’t really a lightning bolt. No cinematic moment or perfectly timed epiphany with a swelling crescendo like in a movie soundtrack.
It was a Thursday & I was in my basement, surrounded by the kind of chaos we've normalized despite it frying the nervous system. The dishwasher was leaking, my phone was buzzing with texts I didn’t have the capacity to answer as laundry, Christmas cards & showings for clients piled up. We had the failing health of more than one grandparent, which, looking back I realize was emotionally consuming me.
My husband was traveling. I had a sweet but fussy toddler. Plus the presence of 1,000 other seemingly insignificant, exhausting decisions.
Suddenly, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Was I having a panic attack? I couldn’t tell. I sprawled out on the carpet. It had been so long since I had checked in with myself that my body & awareness were completely out of sync. I had been keeping everything running while running myself straight into the ground. Staring at the ceiling through tears, I remember thinking, very clearly, very calmly, “I will find a better way to do this.” Not because something big had gone wrong, but because everything small had stacked itself onto something that was crushing me.
It’s not catastrophic moments that undo you, but the drip campaign of responsibility, labor & mental load. The 47 open tabs in your brain. The constant switching between roles without ever fully arriving in any of them. Wife, mother, Realtor, friend, volunteer, entrepreneur & (somewhere in there) a person who would love to sit down for five uninterrupted minutes without remembering something else she forgot.
I knew two things in that moment. One, this is the fork in the road when women decide to leave their jobs. This was a lot, but I knew no matter how stressful this moment felt, I would not be doing that. I loved my job, it was valuable & I knew not even subjectively that I was damn good at it. I am a woman who needs her professional identity & that's fine.
Two, I was going to close the circle of (especially unsolicited) outside input. No one was really choreographing their life in a way I desired to emulate & I was being "enjoy every moment" bullied right into a near breakdown.
It wasn’t dramatic. It was decisive. I knew I was not failing but showing up, producing, managing, juggling, and keeping things moving. But I was still carrying WAY too much of it & had convinced myself that this was just what capable women do. That I should be able to handle everything, that asking for help was indulgent, and that outsourcing meant I wasn’t pulling my weight. As it turns out, successful women don’t power through but make better plans.
There were no poetic tears or dramatic exits, but something shifted. Not everything, but enough to move me in a new direction. I didn’t wake up the next day with a perfectly color-coded life or a magical plan, but I asked this question...
"What are the high-importance, low-interest tasks that do not require me?" That question opened a door I hadn’t even considered walking through.
So, over the next 30 days, I did these 5 things:
1.) House cleaning went to a company.
I will boldly state that I think every household should consider this. But an absolute non-negotiable for any family where both parents work outside the home, even part-time, even if they technically still work from home. I cannot remember how frequently they were coming at the time, but I doubled it. This is different than house KEEPING. Daily picking up, beds, dishes & vacuuming are still family chores. Cleaning companies are not maids or magicians. Which brings me to...
2.) We assigned permanency to household chores within our family.
Delegating starts within the home. Family contributions to chores are not a favor to Mom... including moms who do not work outside the home. Everyone uses dishes, creates dirty laundry, drops crumbs & eats food. Everyone needs to help, consistently & as a team. Chore charts, projects for pay, incentives, allowance or a simple "because we need you" - use it all. Whatever works best for your people.
3.) I announced my inner circle & asked them for help.
Not in the vague, “we should get together sometime” kind of way, but in the honest, slightly uncomfortable "Hello! You are my people. Step in here with me?” kind of way.
And I got specific.
Can you grab my deodorant while you're at Target?
Can you sit with my daughter at the pool while I run to this showing?
Will you come sit on my basement floor with me while I organize these files?
And every single time, the answer was yes. And even though I frequently returned the labor, it turned out my Village was not keeping score. They weren’t waiting for me to prove I could do it all. They were waiting to be invited in.
The narrative I had been carrying, that needing support meant I was somehow falling short, started to fall apart.
There are two more shifts that changed everything for me, but I'll share 4 & 5 when these first points are digested. Stay close. If you’ve made it this far, you’re exactly who they’re for.
Vikki
